24

I made this blog two and a half years ago in an attempt to get my (work) life, my dreams, back on track. I made this to focus on my goal to be a writer.

Not just a noun to throw around. Everyone’s a writer, just like everyone’s a photographer today. All bloggers are writers, and I’ve been blogging since I was twelve (I’ve gone through many different blogsites, some of which still probably exist publicly. A moment of silence for the embarrassment it will bring if someone I know finds those) and I’ve been (and still am) writing fan fiction since I was twelve (and it’s funny, because this used to be something secret, something to be ashamed of, but I’ve outed myself in college and was fine (although this may have more to do about where I went to college as I’ve never been in an environment with so many open-minded people with such varied interests), and was a member (and later, Features Editor, then Managing Editor) for the school paper in High School. Even still, I never called myself a writer, never thought I deserved that title.

I want to be a writer for a living, i.e. get paid to think and write things down. To be able to legitimately call myself that.

Today, I revisited my very first entry on this blog. And while I knew I wrote it when I had calmed down and decided, I realize now that it still sounds angry. Or is passionate the word I’m looking for? A lot of the things I said there still hold true. But I also know better know. Perhaps, studying in a university on a hill made me too idealistic. Perhaps it is my fault for believing that people say what they mean, that companies hold true to their written job descriptions.

I know better now. I’d rather put the horrors of my second job behind me, and I will refrain from talking about that here. This is going to be a positive entry. Suffice to say, I found out what the word ‘toxic’ truly meant in that company.

Two years ago, I wrote an entry about getting my dreams back on track. And while I deviated from that path for a year (I didn’t want to, but I needed to. Maintenance medication for my condition is expensive and my savings can only sustain me so much), I’ve emerged with a stronger will and drive to go for what I want to do in life.

If I’m going to be miserable and poor, at least let it be because I’m doing something worthwhile, or chasing after my dream.

Thank you, 21 year old Jer. Fifteen year old Jerica would never have thought she’d end up being a dreamer instead of a pessimist. Or maybe not a dreamer–a go-getter. It sounds nice, but truthfully, it’s a bit selfish: If you want something, go get it. Thankfully, I’ve never believed in the universe conspiring to give me something I want horseshit (pardonez-moi pour mon anglaise), just because I want it hard enough.

I’m in a better place now and hopefully by saying that publicly, I won’t jeopardize it.

I’m a writer. I’m an editor. For a living, now. The thought alone makes me very, very happy. It’s been four months and I truly like what I do. There are pitfalls that come with every job, but at it’s core, my job is a mix of what I’ve enjoyed in my previous two (digital based marketing) and my passion, writing. I’m thankful. It’ been four months and I’m still happy.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe to track my progress. Maybe to comfort my 22, 23 year old self, the one that took her second job after she said she wouldn’t take a job that didn’t lead to her dream anymore, the one that needed the money (so much for being miserable and poor), the one that cried in the bathroom stall every week during the last month of it, the one that had never been experienced such dehumanization and regret until that 2nd job. Hey, it does get better. Just keep working for it.

I’m going to reformat this blog, go back to blogging the way I’m comfortable with. I will still be posting the occasional reviews and I’ll definitely photoblog my travels and budget tips. I just want this blog to be more personal, more me.

Although, truthfully, the open nature of this blog coupled with the direction I want to take it scares me. Throughout college, I’ve locked my blog entries so I’d know who was reading, blogging truly a source of comfort. I’ve learned the hard way that even people you show this trust to will backstab you and take pleasure in the misery they’ll wreck on your personal life. But one (of my two) resolutions this year is to be more honest with my feelings. I’m not one to share and when I feel slighted or I disagree, I usually keep my mouth shut and let the other person trample all over me, and just rant on my blog later.

This year, I will communicate honestly more. So, onwards we go.

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One thought on “24”

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