A few days ago, Carina from Nothing Spaces wrote this entry. And it is a lot of things I have been wanting to talk about for the last year but never could find the courage to.
I really admire her for adapting so well to the blogging shift (as it’s become more a research and marketing platform than a online journal), since I can’t seem to do it. I can’t tell if that has to do with some of my own personal issues regarding privacy, or if it’s a fear of confrontation. Of offending people when all I really want is to declutter my mind and talk about things I’d rather not make a big deal about in person.
Things like, yes I’m annoyed at what this person did, or what happened today, but not enough to confront people or talk about it publicly. I just want a space to be allowed to feel what I feel, free of negative comments or judgement. A place where my feelings are valid, not necessarily validated, whatever they may be. I just want the empty void of my LJ days back.
Though that’s not necessarily true, is it? LJ, during my college years, was a wonderful supportive community. And I’m not ashamed to admit that some of the people who can best understand me were LJ friends, both online and off.
I miss LJ and it’s safety and community a lot. Posting on an open platform like this, where virtually anybody can read your inner thoughts is like cutting yourself open and waiting for people to poke at your wound. Which leads me back to Carina’s posts still feeling natural and true, vulnerable and trusting, despite the open-poke-me-with-a-stick-and-make-me-bleed platform.
Of course, I could choose not to blog about personal things here. Choose a different website, platform, whatever where I could be safe. Like ranting on my personal locked Twitter account, maybe. But I like this blog–and blogging has a stronger therapeutic effect on me than I initially thought, something that I need more of.
I guess my consolation is that, ironically, with the arrival of Buzzfeed, reddit, and similar content driven sites, blogging has been adapted as a marketing tool instead of the online journal it once was. My problem is the solution.
Because it basically means that nobody’s here to read this. Except maybe Kari. Hi Kari!
(That’s quite comforting, actually. It’s like I’m spilling my guts to the void, and instead of the void being LJ friends (choose your LJ lock mode: good friends? College friends? I’d share anythig with these friends? All friends? I’d categorized them all, only allowing certain people to know what was what in my life), the void is just this big, blank, empty space… that’s SEO optimized and will probably live forever because that’s how the internet works. Haha)
I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m writing this. A part of me thought that it was me, again trying to get a bit of that old me back. I like her a lot better than the person I’ve become in the last four years. We can never completely revert to our old selves, and we are never the same every day, that I know. But I wouldn’t mind a bit of her joie de vivre.
It’s almost 2 weeks since Carina’s entry. It’s 10 days since I’ve had this on my drafts. It’s time to press the publish button.