don’t forget you love me today.

A few days ago, Carina from Nothing Spaces wrote this entry. And it is a lot of things I have been wanting to talk about for the last year but never could find the courage to.

I really admire her for adapting so well to the blogging shift (as it’s become more a research and marketing platform than a online journal), since I can’t seem to do it. I can’t tell if that has to do with some of my own personal issues regarding privacy, or if it’s a fear of confrontation. Of offending people when all I really want is to declutter my mind and talk about things I’d rather not make a big deal about in person.

Things like, yes I’m annoyed at what this person did, or what happened today, but not enough to confront people or talk about it publicly. I just want a space to be allowed to feel what I feel, free of negative comments or judgement. A place where my feelings are valid, not necessarily validated, whatever they may be. I just want the empty void of my LJ days back.

Though that’s not necessarily true, is it? LJ, during my college years, was a wonderful supportive community. And I’m not ashamed to admit that some of the people who can best understand me were LJ friends, both online and off.

I miss LJ and it’s safety and community a lot. Posting on an open platform like this, where virtually anybody can read your inner thoughts is like cutting yourself open and waiting for people to poke at your wound. Which leads me back to Carina’s posts still feeling natural and true, vulnerable and trusting, despite the open-poke-me-with-a-stick-and-make-me-bleed platform.

Of course, I could choose not to blog about personal things here. Choose a different website, platform, whatever where I could be safe. Like ranting on my personal locked Twitter account, maybe. But I like this blog–and blogging has a stronger therapeutic effect on me than I initially thought, something that I need more of.

I guess my consolation is that, ironically, with the arrival of Buzzfeed, reddit, and similar content driven sites, blogging has been adapted as a marketing tool instead of the online journal it once was. My problem is the solution.

Because it basically means that nobody’s here to read this. Except maybe Kari. Hi Kari!

(That’s quite comforting, actually. It’s like I’m spilling my guts to the void, and instead of the void being LJ friends (choose your LJ lock mode: good friends? College friends? I’d share anythig with these friends? All friends? I’d categorized them all, only allowing certain people to know what was what in my life), the void is just this big, blank, empty space… that’s SEO optimized and will probably live forever because that’s how the internet works. Haha)

I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m writing this. A part of me thought that it was me, again trying to get a bit of that old me back. I like her a lot better than the person I’ve become in the last four years. We can never completely revert to our old selves, and we are never the same every day, that I know. But I wouldn’t mind a bit of her joie de vivre.

It’s almost 2 weeks since Carina’s entry. It’s 10 days since I’ve had this on my drafts. It’s time to press the publish button.


6 thoughts on “don’t forget you love me today.”

  1. I read it! Pouring your heart out also allows for the bad vibes to flow out. Remember that. And if they didn’t like what you wrote, let it be their problem.


  2. Hahaha Hi Jer! I was already in bed reading on my phone and you got me up and on my laptop to comment. I love you that much ❀

    I stopped beauty blogging mainly because I fell into that trap. I was a personal blogger trying to gain a bigger audience instead of writing for myself, and it just didn't feel right. Now I'm doing the complete opposite–my LJ account is still alive (hihi :D), but all its entries are private, and I just go back there when I feel the need to just talk to myself and get things out in the open. If I really want to write for an audience, I know I can, but in a proper platform/time/place/whatever.

    Bottom line is, your blog is your space. You do what you want with it. And if people don't like, they can find their own little corner of the Internet to do the things THEY want to do or say. People can disagree or not like what they read, but they can always do it in a respectful way and not explode in all caps or exclamation points. So you do you, girl. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.


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